Every Monday, I post a link to my column on hundreds a few of my friends’ walls, and recently, I must have pissed someone off (Mark Zuckerberg perhaps?) and have lost my “posting URL’s” privileges (I know, what the f***, right?). I received several warnings that my “behavior may be considered abusive to others” and that I may be a spammer or something of the sort (a Facebook robot perhaps) and let me tell you this: I have never been more offended IN-MY-LIFE!
It gets better; even my regular posts are being monitored now and I am not allowed to write words such as: “F***, S***, God, or Hell”. I once wrote the word God and received a warning that said “your comment cannot be posted as some of its content may be considered abusive to others” – oh well, sorry Facebook!! I’m sorry, I didn’t know that so many devil worshippers were monitoring my profile and felt offended when I mentioned God! It’s not possible for anyone to hate Facebook more than I do, and after this, I am waging war (against a social network that only exists in my life because I am so pathetically addicted to it). Since Facebook is complaining about my behavior, I would like to return the favor.
Facebook is Nosy: you are asked to provide information about your phone number, home town, current city of residence, job CV, siblings, parents, birthday, who and what you are interested in – Jeez! What’s next, my shoe size? Facebook also wants to know what I’m planning, places I’ve checked in, and wants me to track who is on Facebook because of me. With the new “See Friendship” button, we can all agree that you can find out anything you want about two selected friends and write a full investigative report about their lives. Let’s not forget that most of these people are only best friends on Facebook, and have probably seen each other twice in the past 5 years. Thanks to these invasive informative techniques, I can now receive 500 “Happy Birthday” messages from people who completely forgot I exist – thank you Facebook.
Facebook is Creepy: What’s up with the “photo memories”? I have old photos (of when I was 10 kgs LARGER) that I have erased from my memory; but unfortunately, Facebook hasn’t forgotten about them. Every 2 or 3 days, I see a familiar round, pudgy face staring back at me from the upper right corner of my Facebook page . . . WTF?! The upper right corner also brings you ancient photos of your friends (also looking very bizarre) and I always wonder what the point of that is. I also wonder how many of my “friends” saved my ugly photos only to circulate and laugh about them. The worst is when a stalker steals one or more of these wretched photos to create a fake profile.
What I hate most is the horror of connecting to Facebook applications. For example “Tag ‘em may access my data when I’m not using the application” – Umm yes, I really want the Tag ‘em team snooping through my computer while I’m sound asleep at night. After contacting Tag ‘em, it was clarified that all they wanted is access to my Facebook account in order to publish the questions I’ve just answered. Cheers to how Facebook frightened the daylights out of me with its warning message though.
Facebook is Paranoid: Facebook thinks that we are all rapists, stalkers, psychos, and/or robots. Allow me to explain: upon sending a friend request, you are asked to confirm that you are indeed a person (and not an alien or mega-computer or robot) by typing a code that even Einstein wouldn’t have understood. “Is that a b or a 9 or a 6?” – What I would prefer to write is this “I have no intentions in stalking or raping this person who I’ve known since high school; and if I wanted to abuse them, I would have done it in the playground, in person . . . 12 years ago.” Unfortunately this method has proven to be useless because I still receive requests like: “Omogolbu Likaleke wants to be your friend” – umm, NO! I will not be your friend, Omogolbu, because I do not know you! When I do accidentally accept a friend request from a weird stranger, a few months later I’d be on Facebook chat and the stranger would ask me, “So Rita, how was your trip to Spain?” and “Did you end up finding a new job?” What are you . . . My stalker?!
Facebook is Bossy: Facebook suggests friends you should add and fan pages you should like. Dear Facebook, You are NOT my mother! I am sick of suggestions on what groups to join and what fan pages to like! No, I am not interested in joining “Vote for Helga Umbaba as the next Miss Beauty of Umbaba Land” because a) I do not know her, b) she’s UGLY, and c) I don’t run a charity organization where I support groups that I benefit nothing from, except Helga’s atrocious bikini photos (a tactic to get the men to vote . . . how original).
Speaking of which, under tremendously ugly or creepy photos, there’s only a “like” button – what is there to like? Aren’t I allowed to “hate” it? I would love to “hate” those half-naked profile pictures that are only used as an incentive to get more friend requests – it’s called Facebook, not Bodybook!
Facebook also gives you the illusion of choosing the new profile layout, and a few days later you suddenly realize that your entire profile has changed without your consent.
Facebook is Schizophrenic: In the past 5 years, I cannot begin to count how many times our dear Mark and his lovely team of schizos have changed the Facebook layout. Does anyone out there remember how lovely and simple the first 2 or 3 layouts were? It was all so clean, so pure . . . then after he planned on taking over the world, it went crazy. Every time I start liking a new layout (or at least once I start getting used to my way around) it changes! On that note, I HATE the new layout. It has so much going on and with our lovely Lebanese internet connection (god bless the government), everything needs triple the time to load. I wish the Facebook team would chill and get a life; maybe invest their time in discovering the real world that exists outside their computer screen.
As they say, “moderation is key” and we should all try to maintain a healthy relationship with our Facebook accounts for it to be enjoyable. Too many status updates about your whereabouts, and how you hate your Ex or love your partner, or are feeling suicidal, are actually being read by others (believe it or not). Also, too many photos of yourself simply result in an invasion of privacy (and in case you have very revealing photos there, keep in mind that there are probably hundreds of cyber freaks masturbating to them). Keep in mind that everything you do or say remains on record forever; and most importantly, don’t forget the immensity of stalkers and freaks out there whose lives revolve around yours. I applaud Mark Zuckerberg for his achievement, and although I cannot imagine life without Facebook anymore, I can’t help but wonder; wouldn’t life be better if it were never created? I know it was better before it . . . especially before Farmville – and to all you virtual farmers: stop watering your imaginary tomatoes -THEY DO NOT EXIST – go find yourself a real job.
It would be a great idea for the Facebook team to actually work on that “Privacy” thing they keep preaching about, and maybe then we’ll all feel a bit more comfortable in posting all our spicy information.
Finally, I do not understand why The Social Network won 4 Golden Globes, and I still don’t understand why our dear Mark’s character didn’t wear any proper shoes in the movie.
“Information on the Internet is subject to the same rules and regulations as conversation at a bar.” Dr. George Lundberg